8 Tips for When You're Ready to Have Lesbian Sex For the First Time

Good news: If you’re interested in dabbling in lesbian sex for the first time ever, you’re in for lots and lots and lots of exploratory fun (with body parts that you may already be familiar with as an added bonus.)

Consider this a safe space to explore all your lady-loving desires filled with tips, tricks, and expert advice to make sure your sex session is as comfortable and positive as possible. Because regardless of whether it’s your first time having sex period or your first time with another woman, the whole sex thing can be intimidating. And that’s okay.

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Like most things, sex takes practice, and it takes time to get to know someone’s body. There’s no need to put pressure on yourself or your partner.

Our advice? Focus on what feels good and take the seriousness out of it (since sex should be fun and playful.)

Expert’s advice? Everything below.

(P.S. This guide is a reference to having sex with folks who identify as women, which includes both women who have vulvas and women who have penises. I, as a non-discriminating queer, personally love all of ‘em. But tailor the tips and tricks below to your situation and what works best for you and your partner.)

1. First thing’s first: Engage in safe sex

You absolutely, one hundred percent need to be mindful about the transmission of STIs. (Studies show that women who have sex with other women rarely use barrier protection. 😬) And JSYK, the CDC recommends getting tested for STIs every three months.

So in addition to talking to your partner about their sexual history and when they were last tested, you may want to invest in some dental dams to protect yourself from oral infection. Sure, putting your tongue against a piece of plastic isn’t super appealing, but it can prevent you from contracting things like HPV among other common STIs.

“Some sexually transmitted infections can also be transmitted by mutual masturbation, fingers, and hands,” says public health practitioner Janielle Bryan, “To prevent the spread, remember to wash your hands and under your fingernails before and after any sexual contact. You can also purchase finger cots to be used as informal finger condom.”

2. Be mindful about your fingernails

It’s a bit of a lesbian saying that you can’t have long nails and have lesbian sex. But TBH, many queer women beg to differ, myself included. Acrylic and dip nails are still possible—and can be enjoyable!—during penetrative sex. They’re thicker and less sharp than regular nails, which makes them less dangerously scratchy. But if you’re getting poke-your-eye-out stiletto tips, pls stay away from your partners with vulvas.

As far as natural nails, in my opinion, they tend to be thinner and sharper. As long as they’re trimmed down though, they certainly allow for more dexterity. But honestly, best to ask your partner what they prefer to ensure no anxieties about scratches and/or hangnails.

Nail length aside, please, please, please wash your hands—especially under your nails—before sex. You don’t want to bring the bacteria of the day to your partner’s sensitive bits because, hello, UTIs and bacterial infections.

3. Communicate, communicate, and communicate some more

Before things get started, you should absolutely initiate a sex talk with your partner. Discuss your experience levels (so each person knows what to expect from the other), and dive into boundaries, hard limits, and interests.

Here are some prompts to get you started:

• What are you most looking forward to?
• Anything that you’re uncomfortable trying at this point?
• Are you comfortable with fingering?
• Are you comfortable with oral sex?
• How about any anal play?
• Would you feel comfortable if we incorporated toys for the clitoris? What about a strap-on?

Your first-time lesbian sex experience probs isn’t the time to dive immediately into some kinky, BDSM sex, but if you’d feel more comfortable, don’t be afraid to establish a safe word like pineapple or red that you can use if anything is getting to be too much or you start feeling uncomfortable too. These safe words will ensure nothing goes past what you’re comfortable doing.

As for during le sex, enthusiastic consent is a must, so always actively check in with your partner to make sure the pressure is right, everything feels good, and they’re comfortable. (“Do you like that?” is a personal fave.)

4. Take it slow

In my experience, the best thing about sex with another woman is that there’s no distinctive end, which means you get to savor it all. And Bryan agrees that taking it slow “gives you time to relax and get familiar with your partner’s body.” She adds that it’s pretty much the easiest way to alleviate all of those “I’m-doing-something-new” anxieties and can help you find more confidence in your skills.

And though an orgasm shouldn’t be the end-all-be-all of your sex sessions, taking it slow will certainly help you or your partner get there. “Vulvas need prolonged, repetitive stimulation to reach climax. Slowly increase the intensity or until the person tells you otherwise,” suggests Bryan.

5. Start by mutually masturbating with each other

IMO, this is a pretty low-risk, easy way to get things kicked off—so long as you feel comfortable touching yourself in front of your partner. Not only can you can show them how you like to be touched, but they can show you how they like to be touched. Before too long, you both will be taking over each other’s hands and making each other feel ah-mazing.

6. Incorporate lotssss of lube

Lubricant isn’t just for p-in-v sex. While vaginas self-lubricate, it never hurts to add a lil something extra to make sure there’s no unbearable friction. Plus, using lube with a dental dam can “enhance the pleasure for the receiver,” sexuality educator Tanya Bass previously told Cosmopolitan.

Opt for a silicone or water-based lube if you’re using latex barrier methods. And if you’re with a trusted partner and you’re both aware of each other’s STI status, oil lubes can be used too—just never use them with condoms since oil-based lubes can breakdown latex.

7. Don’t be afraid to take some breaks

Once when I was on a trio date with my boyfriend and another femme, my boyfriend asked, “how do lesbians know when sex ends?” She laughed and said, “when you’re both too exhausted to move.” And, yeah, it’s kind of true.

Since women have a shorter refractory period, most lesbian sex doesn’t have a particular stop point. But just because you can go for hours without a break doesn’t mean you should. Water and cuddle breaks are necessary and encouraged because you need time to recharge, reset, and put energy toward something other than sex.

It’s also important to know that you can stop in the middle if you want to. In fact, you can stop at any time you want. You don’t have to “finish” anything, even if your partner makes you feel like you should.

8. Most importantly, remember sex! should! feel! fun!

Don’t try to perform or pretend like you’re more experienced than you are. Obviously it’s normal to want to be good for your partner and show off your skills, but know that it’s a process that takes time.

Instead, for the first time around, know that 1. Sex should feel good (in whatever way that means to you) 2. Sex can be weird and cause distinct sounds and smells, which are perfectly normal and 3. Your partner isn’t judging you on your face, or sounds, or body—they’re really thinking about how g’dam sexy you are.

So relax, my friend. Take the pressure off of yourself and enjoy the moment.

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Sex & Relationships – Cosmopolitan
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