Friendly PSA: Do Not Text Your Ex “Happy Birthday”

If you’re wondering whether it’s a good idea to send your ex an innocent lil “Hbd!” text, let me just give you the short answer: It’s not. But the long answer is a bit more complicated. Even dating and relationship experts seem to go back and forth on the question you ask yourself at least once a year.

Some are totally here for it:

• “If the relationship ended on relatively good terms, it’s fine,” says recovery coach Manya Wakefield, founder of Narcissistic Abuse Rehab.
• “If the two of you are on friendly terms and keep in regular contact, you can and should wish your ex a happy birthday,” says relationship and dating coach Ashley Harris.
• “If ‘happy birthday’ actually means ‘happy birthday’ and there are no hidden meanings in the text, it’s appropriate and acceptable to text your ex,” says dating coach Tennesha Wood.

But there are other times experts would advise to… yeah, no, just put the phone down:

• “If the relationship was one that brought you down, it’s best to let sleeping dogs lie. The bottom-line: Invest your time in people that build you up,” says Wakefield.
• “You’ve ended what you had and both of you have moved on,” says relationship and dating expert Amy Olson. “A happy birthday text out of the blue sends the idea that you are not completely over them and want to get back together.”

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But allow me and my personal opinion to vent for a second: If you think sending a “happy birthday!” text to someone you once dated/boned/were in love with/whatever seems perfectly inoffensive, you are wildly out of touch. It’s the text message equivalent of a bird that flies overhead only to poop on your shoulder (while you’re wearing your favorite shirt).

It’s one of those things that people who like to call themselves “nice” but are actually terrible do as proof of their “kindness.” These texts are not at all about wishing happiness upon someone you probably hate a tiny bit so much as they’re about establishing an emotional high-ground. The secret subtext behind every happy birthday text from an ex is: Look at me, I’m so ~over it~ that I can wish you a “happy” day and it’s totally fine!

There’s no such thing as an altruistic “happy birthday!” text when exes are involved. Mostly because an ex can never just say “happy birthday!” and leave it at that.

A birthday text from an ex always comes with a side of something horrible, like: “…and I hope you’re doing well, [INSERT YOUR NAME HERE]” or, “know it’s been a while since we talked but…”

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At best, you can muster up the grace and courage to politely respond, “Thanks!” and delete the text thread forever. But at the very worst, your birthday — the one day a year it’s totally acceptable to celebrate yourself and be selfish! — is ruined by the blast from the past.

I can understand the impetus to say happy birthday to an ex, especially a serious one who you experienced at least one birthday with. It’s a moral quandary! If you don’t say happy birthday, will they think you’re being salty and are secretly wishing they have an unhappy birthday? But then again, if you do say happy birthday, they might not respond, or worse, they might respond with a cold “Thanks.”

This would all be much easier if there was just an established rule for this situation. And that rule should be: Just don’t send the damn text. Bury your phone in the dirt for 24 hours if you must. Because the actual best birthday present you can give to any ex is to leave them the hell alone. No texts, no e-cards, no Edible Arrangements baskets, no nothing. Just let them enjoy their special day the way they want to — completely without you.

There are very few exceptions to this rule. If you and your ex are one of those odd former couples who are honestly still friends, sure! Send the text. And by “friends,” I mean this ex must be someone you interact with at least three to four times a month with zero drama.

[pullquote align=’left’]”Because the actual best birthday present you can give to any ex is to leave them the hell alone.”[/pullquote]

(Like, if they texted you out of the blue on a Wednesday afternoon, you wouldn’t feel the need to screenshot the text and forward it to all of your friends to say, “OMG, WTF, WHY IS HE TEXTING ME??!?” If that isn’t the situation between you and your ex, or if you are unsure, don’t send it! Don’t.)

You know that platitude that’s like, “If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all?” If you can’t say, “Happy birthday,” to an ex without wishing you could actually say, “Happy birthday, you wrecked my life and I hope your cake tastes like a pile of sand,” then don’t say anything at all. If you’re very lucky, your garbage ex will return the same favor to you.

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