5 Experts on How to Make Your First Time a *Super* Comfortable and Safe Experience

Prepping for your first time can be exciting, totally nerve-wracking, and everything in-between—and if you’ve been playing out what the scene might look like in your head, that’s *completely* normal. There’s a good chance you’ve had parents, friends, movies, or porn making you feel as if there’s a “right” way or “right” time to, well, do it. But the truth is that everyone’s first time is different, says Azaria Menezes, a sex, relationship, and intimacy coach. Phew.

Also, when it comes to your first time, alllll of the deets—your partner, the timing, location, and style of sex you have—are up to *you*. And that can be empowering (and hot) in and of itself!

Even steamy novels say so. Take the brand new book Breathless by Jennifer Niven—protagonist Claudine Henry finds herself on a remote island as high school is coming to end, deciding whether or not she’s ready to get hot and heavy with a mysterious and sexy new man. At the end of the day? It’s her decision (yessss, bb!).

Of course, that’s just one part of a healthy, fun, and feel-good first time. Curious what else to keep in mind? Start with these tips from sex and relationship pros.

1. Set solid boundaries.

First things first: for a safe first time, clear consent is essential. Before you get started, make sure you’re both down to have sex, and let your partner know what you do (and don’t) want to try.

Come up with a way to let each other know if you want to stop doing something or switch things up. And remember—if at any time you’re feeling pain, discomfort, or just have a sense that something’s off, you have the right to withdraw consent, says Shemeka Thorpe, Ph.D., a sexuality researcher and educator at the University of Kentucky in Lexington.

A “yes” to one thing is not a “yes” to everything.

2. Get a clean bill of health.

You know what’s not sexy? Worrying that you might catch a sexually transmitted infection (STI). A great way to ensure that your partner is up for *truly safe* sex is to ask what their STI status is, Menezes says. If they don’t know? Ask ‘em to get tested. Sure, it ~might~ be awkward to bring it up, but trust—waiting for test results beats stressing out about unexplained itching or irritation down there later on.

It’s worth a quick trip to your local health clinic or Planned Parenthood. Nearly 20 million new STIs pop up every year in the U.S. (eek!) and most of them are among 15 to 24-year-olds (yet only about 12 percent got tested in the last year!), per the American Sexual Health Association (ASHA).

3. Use protection.

Another worry you don’t want in the bedroom is getting pregnant if you’re not ready. For peace of mind, Thorpe suggests researching whether you’re comfortable using condoms (and only condoms) or would prefer to double up with an intrauterine device (IUD), implant, or birth control pills.

Don’t know what’s best for you? Thorpe recommends Bedsider, a free (!!) birth control support network filled with helpful information on different options and how to get access, and real people’s reviews.

Aaand don’t forget about dental dams to protect yourself from STIs, too. Pro tip: if you or your partner has a latex allergy, polyurethane or polyisoprene picks from Trojan as well as Durex Avanti Bare and Lifestyles Skyn all fit the bill, per Planned Parenthood.

4. Check in with yourself.

For a super comfortable first time, you want to go in feeling good and celebrating your choice, Menezes says. An easy way to make sure you’re doing that? Before you jump into things, write out why you want to have sex. Yes, really!

Use prompts like these:

• Do I want to have sex because it’s what *I* want?
• Could this be stemming from something external like pressure to “catch up” with friends or check off a milestone on my relationship timeline?
• Do I feel safe, respected, and supported by my partner?

For empowered pleasure, sex should always come from a full, embodied yes—not a feeling of obligation or pressure from someone else, Menezes says.

5. Get to know your body.

Another must on your checklist: masturbation. Touching yourself can help you sort out what feels good for you and what doesn’t, which can boost your confidence when you’re ready to have sex with a partner, says Katie Lasson, a clinical sexologist and sex, intimacy, and relationship advisor for Peaches and Screams, a UK-based sex shop.

First-timer? “The key to building up an orgasm is keeping a good rhythm on the clit, but putting varying pressures on other parts of the vagina which makes you feel good is just as important,” she says. You can masturbate daily, too. “It’s a good way to maintain vaginal health, as well as explore your pleasure points for a much more pleasurable sexual experience next time.”

And when you know exactly what turns you on? It’s that much easier to guide your partner to all of your favorite spots. Wink wink 😉

6. Talk it out.

File this under crazy body-mind connection: if you don’t *fully* trust the person you’re with, your body can respond by tightening your vaginal muscles—making sex more difficult and less comfortable, says Allison Ball, P.T., D.P.T, owner of Sanctum Physio, PLLC.

“Great communication will really help you both get the most out of your first time by creating a container of trust and safety,” Menezes adds. A little chat can help ease your anxiety, make you feel more secure, and up the chances that you’ll both get what you want from this experience.

And keep in mind: any and all feelings you’re having about what’s to come are valid, worthy, and deserve to be heard—so *always* share what you’ve been feeling and thinking with your partner, Menezes advises.

7. Make time for plenty of foreplay.

If you’re super nervous, you might be tempted to jump right into the main act, but foreplay matters—we promise. It doesn’t just help you get into the mood emotionally; stimulation also gets your blood flowing and gets those feel-good hormones going for even better sex, says Jessica Shepherd, M.D., a Dallas-based gynecologist and founder of Sanctum Med + Wellness.

Some of the best foreplay moves to try? Whispering sexy things into your partner’s ear, running your fingers through their hair, licking or nibbling their nipples, or massaging the area *around* their hot spots like their hips and inner thigh.

8. Go slow.

The first time’s different for everyone, so you might feel some pain, bleed a little—or you might not. To set yourself up for the best-case scenario here, take it *very* slow. “Muscles do not like to be stretched quickly,” Ball says. “In fact, a quick stretch can make muscles contract and tighten, which will make sex more difficult.”

9. Lube it up.

Don’t be afraid of lube. It can be your best friend—especially if you’re new to sex. To ease into things and reduce friction, use a water-based lube (and not oil-based, as this can break down latex and cause condoms to tear).

Just keep in mind that while it’s natural for sex to hurt a little the first few times, if it doesn’t become progressively comfortable over time (as it should), contact your ob-gyn. Painful sex is a common, treatable problem, and you should definitely feel empowered to seek some answers if you’re experiencing that.

10. Embrace the awkwardness.

Here’s the truth: first times are often awkward, a little weird, or orgasm-free—and that’s soooo okay. For as-comfortable-as-possible sex IRL, it’s important to free yourself from movie-magic expectations like mind-blowing orgasms a few seconds in.

Don’t judge yourself if you have a not-so-monumental first time (again, that’s normal), and remember you’re just getting started, Lasson says. Sex isn’t meant to be perfect, and it gets ~so~ much better with time and practice.

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Sex & Relationships – Cosmopolitan
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