I Hated Oral Sex Until an International Sexpert Taught My Husband These Orgasm Hacks

“Why don’t you like me going down on you anymore?” my husband asked over dinner one night. We had been casually chatting about whether we should paint the kitchen when, out of nowhere, he hit me with the god-awful “Hi, please explain why our sex life has changed” convo no couple wants to have.

I don’t blame him, though. For the past year or so, whenever he would start inching his way down my torso during sexy time, I’d always shake my head and pull his face back to mine. And at first, it was for purely vanity reasons: Maybe I didn’t shave, maybe I hadn’t showered, or maybe I just felt… not hot.

But the more time passed, the more cunnilingus just felt like something I didn’t want to receive. Which is fine, of course, except that before the days of pushing his head away, I was all but pushing it down.

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When we got together close to ten years ago, I made it very clear that oral sex was a big part of my life. In fact, the first time we ever hooked up, he went down on me and I promptly left afterward, giving him nothing in return. (Nineteen-year-old me was an absolute savage.)

But even before him, every person I dated knew that going down on me was non-negotiable. I was never one to pass up the chance to catch a little tongue action period, regardless if I was unshaved, sweaty, or hadn’t showered.

So, as a woman who was once so obsessed, why didn’t I—emphasis on the I—like my husband going down on me anymore? I didn’t have an answer.

Obviously it would be completely okay for me to not enjoy oral sex, and preferences do change over time, but that wasn’t it. Was it the technique? Was it the fact that I had been with my hubs for so long? Was it me?

That night, with the help of a bottle of wine and some frustration-induced Googling, I came across the international sex educator Kenneth Play, who seemed like a Pretty Big Deal. When he’s not giving guest presentations at renowned universities and assisting in a wide variety of studies, he’s producing his own educational videos where he, well, teaches people how to be better at fucking, for lack of a better description. (And yes, some of those videos live on PornHub.)

I checked out his website and found his Sex Hacker Course, which promised “endless orgasms, mind-blowing connection, and lasting confidence.” (Hi, yes, sign me up.) In total, the extensive course included 70 exclusive videos and 12+ hours of content, covering everything from pleasure theory, to penetration, to anal, to oral sex.

And while the $277 price tag (with a fist-time buyer’s coupon) seemed like quite the investment, it was cheaper than years of therapy. And I needed a solution.

So, Things Got…Interesting Once We Tried It

The next night after dropping my credit card information, I threw on a slinky slip dress and a few spritz of my wedding perfume before sitting my husband down and showing him the course. Despite my anxiety about how he’d react, he immediately started clicking around the webpage. He was just as into it as I was.

Unfortunately Kenneth didn’t h0st his Sex Hacker course live in the flesh, as his videos were all prerecorded. But the good news is 1) We didn’t have to do all this exploration in front of a legit stranger and 2) My hubs and I could fast forward or skip any particular subject we weren’t interested in.

The course started with a basic introduction and then moved into modules titled “fundamentals” and “foreplay.” The basics and intro covered things we were already pretty familiar with, but as we watched Kenneth move into discussing things like clitoral clocking and tantric grounding, that’s when it became clear there was a lot for us to learn.

We spent the next few hours doing things like laying on top of each other naked, giving massages, and spending time touching, rubbing, scratching, and even biting different parts of our bodies to figure out what did (and didn’t) feel good, which were all things Kenneth asked us to do while watching his modules.

By the time we opened up the oral lesson, I was already feeling more connected to my husband and more prepared to tackle my recent oral aversion.

Now, Kenneth’s big thing is what he calls “sex hacking.” It’s what he describes as a way to “take the intimidation and fear of failure out” of any sexual performance. And he encourages his viewers to view sex kind of like a game where you have to figure out what works for both you and your partner.

This way of looking at it helped my husband and I relax into the course without feeling heavy and stressed, but it may not be helpful to you if you don’t like looking at sex in that way.

So once Kenneth was done with the oral sex module—you know, talking, explaining, showing us some tongue actions, we went to work for IRL play. And we took it very, very slow. The first time my husband kissed down my body and started to get near my legs, I freaked out and told him to stop. Something still just wasn’t working for me.

When he tried again, I realized that the process of him moving his way down my body wasn’t enjoyable, so we stopped it and tried an approach from a different angle. Then, I noticed his kisses on my thighs turned me off, so we stopped and tried something different. (Are you noticing a theme here?)

We did this over, and over, and over again. Each time I had any sort of thought—whether it was negative or positive—I immediately said it out loud. My husband would adjust, check in, and we’d move forward.

And by the time we were ready to practice some of Kenneth’s more advanced oral tips, I had already figured out what caused me to dislike cunnilingus in the first place.

My “Ah, Shit, That’s What’s Going On” Moment of Clarity

Soft licks weren’t appealing to me. I needed harder, rougher movements from my husband. Because, as the dominant one in our relationship (I make the vet appointments, I do our taxes, I handle birthday cards, etc.) it never occurred to me that the reason my stomach churned when my husband would go down on me was because I didn’t want to feel like he was submissive between my legs.

I wasn’t into all the soft kisses and slow licks, which, really, shouldn’t have been all that surprising to someone who has long known she’s not a fan of classically ~romantic~ sex.

So after a few hours of sexual exploration—yes, literally hours—my checklist of what I did and didn’t like couldn’t have been more clear. On the “don’t” side were things like rubbing my thighs and kissing my clit. On the “do” side was “hold my feet down” and “use lots of pressure.”

Obviously this was a perfect testament to how evolving our pleasures, wants, and needs are as we go into different stages of our life. (And even with someone you’ve been with for 10+ years.)

The Verdict

By the time my husband and I had advanced enough in the modules to try techniques like “tongue fucking,” we were already pros at knowing how my body and psyche would respond.

We knew it so well, in fact, that we eventually just closed the computer and my husband gifted me a few oral-induced orgasms just the way I like them now: hard, unforgiving, and with him blissfully in charge.

So while I’m not back to my college level of cunnilingious-obsessed, I’m definitely starting to see the allure once more.

And thanks to this course, which I (clearly) highly recommend for a pandemic treat, I have a feeling it won’t be long before I once again find myself casually inching my husband’s head down.

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Sex & Relationships – Cosmopolitan
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