Love , Sex and Relationships
Dom Sub
Jan
In the BDSM world of kink, two of the most commonly-used labels are “dom” and “sub” which stand for “dominant” and “submissive.” In consensual kink scenarios involving BDSM, it can be common for one partner to play the role of the dominant person while the other plays a more submissive role.
“BDSM is a (consensual) erotic game of power where a dom is the person who commands while a sub is the person who obeys,” says Katherin Winnick, sex expert at LetsTalkSex.net. “Although this would make it seem as though the dom is the one in control, on the contrary, in a healthy BDSM relationship, the sub has expressed his/her kinks and the dom is serving the sub and satisfying them,” Winnick adds.
A key note about dom and sub relationships is that in the world of kink and BDSM, these are not just unspoken labels. Having a frank, clear, discussion of the roles you and a partner will be undertaking during kinky sex is a must. Some people even draw up contracts, which sounds v. formal but is actually more common than you’d think.
What Is a Dom?
A dom is short for dominant, aka the more aggressive person during a consensual BDSM scenario. A dom might derive sexual pleasure from activities where they are in control of their submissive partner’s climax through forced orgasms, ruined orgasms, or orgasm denial. Other common dom activities might include the dominant partner using a remote control sex toy on the submissive partner, or a dom face-sitting (also called queening) on their partner.
What Is a Sub?
A sub is short for submissive, aka the more submissive person during a consensual BDSM scenario. A sub might derive sexual pleasure from activities where they can be disciplined, punished, spanked, or otherwise dominated by their partner. The sub in this dynamic might enjoy their partner controlling a remote control sex toy or panty vibe on them or being tied up during sex.
How to Have Healthy Boundaries in a Dom Sub Relationship
1. Always discuss limits and expectations beforehand
There should always be an understanding that this is a consensual dynamic and that no matter what role each person is playing, both have the right to stop play at any time if it gets uncomfy. Even if the submissive is playing submissive, they should be able to pull the plug. Likewise for a dom! Just because they’ve agreed to be a dom in this scenario, if they feel uncomfy going as hard as their sub would like, they can also stop at any time.
2. Have a safe word (or two)
Many people use a word for “yellow” which means, “I’m approaching my limit, let’s pause and back off a little,” and a word for “red” which means hard stop, no questions asked.
3. Practice aftercare when the sex is over
Aftercare is a common BDSM practice where the dom and sub reassure each other that the kink scenario they just played out is not reflective of real life. This can look like a dom reassuring their sub, getting them a glass of water, or cuddling. It’s like when the director of a movie yells “Cut!” and things go back to normal.
As Angela Watson, a clinical social worker and sex therapist who runs DoctorClimax previously explained to Cosmopolitan, “Aftercare is all about re-establishing the dynamic that was [consensually] exploited during [kinky] sex.”
Related Terms
Dom and Sub Relationships in Pop Culture
Probably the most famous dom and sub relationship would be 50 Shades of Grey, with Christian as the dom and Anastasia as the sub. But — and big but here — it is worth noting that while Christian is a dom in the sense that he’s dominant, Anastasia’s character isn’t quite a sub in the proper, kink-dictionary-level sense.
This is because Anastasia doesn’t express equal footing in their relationship and their rough sex is more about Christian onboarding an inexperienced Anastasia into aspects of BDSM rather than two equally enthusiastic partners coming to a mutual dom-sub dynamic for kinky sex.
In a legit dom-sub relationship, the dynamic ends after play, so Anastasia living in Christian’s house and having to see doctors that Christian facilitates that put her on birth control is just Christian being controlling, and past the point of what a dom in a kink scene would do.
So, in terms of recognition, 50 Shades did popularize the BDSM aspect of sex superficially with the whips and blindfolds, but their dom sub relationship isn’t a healthy example of a dom and sub relationship.
Want to get the hottest sex positions, the wildest confessions, and the steamiest secrets right to your inbox? Sign up for our sex newsletter ASAP.
This content is created and maintained by a third party, and imported onto this page to help users provide their email addresses. You may be able to find more information about this and similar content at piano.io
Sex & Relationships – Cosmopolitan
Original Source Read More
