Emotional Abuse Is Abuse, Full Stop

When FKA Twigs filed a lawsuit against former boyfriend Shia LaBeouf on Dec. 11, alleging “relentless abuse” during their nearly year-long relationship, Twigs gave those who endure what this country has long perceived to be “lesser forms” of abuse the permission to seek help and speak out.

In the lawsuit, Twigs alleges that LaBeouf abused her “physically, emotionally, and mentally many times,” as reported by The New York Times. Allegations of emotional and mental abuse come up in several instances throughout the 16-page lawsuit, as well as the Times‘ report, often in tandem with described incidents of alleged physical abuse.

Make no mistake, this is a revolutionary act in a country that often dismisses physical abuse and all but ignores emotional and mental abuse. By coming forward with these allegations and acknowledging that even being a person of means and status did not protect her from abuse, she has given all survivors more power to speak their truth.

Yes, 1 in 4 women and 1 in 7 men will experience some form of physical violence during their lifetime—a travesty that kills 50,000 women a year. But emotional and mental abuse are even more prevalent. A survey conducted by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention found that nearly half of women who responded had been psychologically abused by a partner. Half.

When there’s not a bite mark, black eye, or broken limb to point to as proof, emotional abuse is often difficult for people to identify, name, or report. Yet emotional abuse can be just as damaging as physical abuse, causing depression, anxiety, PTSD, low self-esteem, and chronic pain. It can even lead to chronic illnesses, including fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue syndrome. It is also often a precursor to physical abuse. Without the isolation, coercion, and humiliation of emotional and mental abuse, an abuser may not have the foundation that allows them to continuously cause physical harm to their victim. As Twigs said of LaBeouf in the Times, “He brought me so low, below myself, that the idea of leaving him and having to work myself back up just seemed impossible.”

If this country took mental and emotional abuse more seriously—if we worked to truly understand the warning signs, how it manifests, and how it lays the groundwork for keeping a victim trapped in a cycle of abuse—we could perhaps stop physical abuse from even occurring.

But even if emotional abuse doesn’t lead to physical abuse—because it doesn’t always—it is still abuse. It still warrants the same reaction, consequences, and reparations that ought to follow physical abuse. And victims of emotional abuse, who might not have the physical proof of the pain they’ve endured, deserve just as much support as those who do.

As a child abuse victim, and as someone who has been in emotionally abusive relationships, I have often told myself many times over, “Well, at least he doesn’t hit me.” When we consider a lack of physical abuse to somehow be a net positive in an otherwise toxic and abusive relationship, we debase ourselves and our humanity. I am guilty of this. I know I am not alone.

Twigs wasn’t sure if she would be taken seriously if she came forward. “I just thought to myself, no one is ever going to believe me,” she told the Times. “I’m unconventional. And I’m a person of color who is a female.”

I hate that we live in a society where I have to say this, but: I do believe Twigs. Of course I do. And as she has reminded me, you don’t need physical proof of the abuse you endured for your story to be just as valid as the ones that are accompanied by hospital bills, photographs, bruises, or scars. More often than not, our scars cannot be seen—they are the lesions in our minds; the wounds on our sense of self-worth. But that doesn’t mean they aren’t real. And if Hollywood really wants to rid the industry of the insidiousness of abuse, in all its forms, then it should do what it always says it will but never does: hold abusers accountable.

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