Love , Sex and Relationships
Here Are the Most Important Things You Need to Know About Stimulating a Guy’s Prostate
Sep
Hey! The story you’re about to read was published prior to our April 2020 investigation on the G-spot. The truth is: It doesn’t exist. Learn more here.
For as much ink as the G-spot (or um, lack thereof) gets for people with vaginas, the prostate also gets trotted out as the penis-haver’s companion erogenous zone. It’s no secret that the prostate is a serious e-zone for those with penises, but whether or not they’ve fully explored it themselves is another matter. Just like its mysterious G-spot counterpart, the P-zone seems equally shrouded in conflicting advice on where it is, how to find it, and how to stimulate it most effectively for both of you. Here’s a beginner’s guide on how to stimulate someone’s prostate in a way that takes their pleasure to the next level, and in turn, make sex even better for both of you.
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This sensitive, walnut-size gland is located within the body, behind the penis, and it contains tons of nerve endings, making it a perfect target for pleasure. That’s why some people refer to it as the “male G-spot” and still others as the “male P-spot.” In fact, some men are able to orgasm from prostate stimulation alone, although it is rare. It is most easily stimulated through the rectum and responds well to very gentle touch, whether from lubed-up fingers or from toys designed to be prostate massagers.
Since it can be more than a little intimidating to just casually dive right into butt play without having a game plan, there are a few things you should know about how to approach male G-spot stimulation as well as some solid and useful background on exactly what this gland is. Thankfully, Azaria Menezes, a sex and relationship coach, Tara Suwinyattichaiporn, a professor of sexual and relational communication at California State University, Fullerton, Fran Walfish, PsyD, a Beverly Hills–based family and relationship psychotherapist, and Lelo sexpert Laurie Mintz, PhD, author of Becoming Cliterate: Why Orgasm Equality Matters—and How to Get It, are here to explain everything you could possibly need to know about the prostate.
1. Always, always talk about it beforehand in a safe, judgment-free zone.
Just as you probably wouldn’t like a surprise finger up the bum, don’t do that to your partner either. Discuss what your partner is comfortable with beforehand, and everything you’ll try out before, says Menezes. This can also be a great time to debunk any stigmas your partner might have about exploring their prostate, or any fears about exploring prostate play, she says. “As this can sometimes be a vulnerable area to explore, be sure that you emphasize and create a safe, no-judgment zone for your partner to feel emotionally relaxed as well.”
2. Stay away from numbing agents.
If you’ve ever been curious about butt stuff, you’ve likely heard this advice before, but it bears repeating for you and your partner, as there’s a chance they haven’t heard it if they’ve otherwise mostly been on the giving end of anal play.
While desensitizing lubes and numbing agents might seem like a good idea at first, pain is your body’s way of letting you know to pause and go slower or re-assess things entirely, Menezes says. Plus, for your partner with the prostate, they’d probably want to experience all the sensations, whether they’re amazing (you are trying to stimulate an erogenous zone after all) or telling you to slow down a bit, Menezes adds.
3. Start small.
As exciting as it might be to set aside one day to tackle prostate play, you don’t wanna go from 0-60. Even if your partner is super gung-ho about the idea, it’s always better to start with something small, so the receiver can explore their pleasure in a non-intimidating way, says Menezes. Starting with your pinky finger or a smaller butt plug would be a better bet than going straight for a full-on, six or seven inch toy or dildo.
4. Rev up the foreplay beforehand.
In the same way foreplay can make intimidating acts like anal sex better and more pleasurable for you, the same should be done for your partner. Suwinyattichaiporn suggests experimenting with different oral sex techniques here, ranging from licking their scrotum like an ice cream cone, sucking on each testicle slowly, and massaging or rubbing their pubic area and inner thighs.
5. Offer to shave their testicles and or the area around their anus.
Sounds strange but bear with us. The prostate is in such a vulnerable place, and many people can feel a bit self conscious of their anus when it comes to hygiene. Of course, the key to this is in the offering and how you ask. Let them know it’s only if it would make them feel more comfortable from a receiving perspective and that you don’t mind either way. Can’t stress enough how you don’t want to pull a Big Ed here and just like, presumptuously demand they be shaved. Even though this isn’t necessarily a sexual act, Suwinyattichaiporn explains that this activity builds trust in the relationship. Not to mention, if it also makes them feel more comfy in the moment, that’s awesome too.
6. If you’re going to try milking their prostate, read up on exactly what to do beforehand so you have a game plan.
Milking a person’s prostate refers to the act of massaging their prostate to the point where the receiver ejaculates prostatic juices. It’s not called milking because semen looks like milk, which is what some (okay fine, me) people would think. For a more detailed play-by-play on exactly how to milk someone’s prostate, we’ve got tips from doctors and experts here for you. While “prostate play” is a general, vague-ish term, once you’ve got a pinky finger in there, you don’t want to freeze because you’re not actually sure on what to do once you’re in there.
7. Use the “come hither” motion with your fingers to find it.
Mintz says that once your finger is about two inches in, press it forward against the wall of their perineum and try a “come here” motion with your fingers. Mintz adds: “You can also try moving your fingers in circles around the prostate or move your finger slowly back and forth, side to side.”
8. It feels like a walnut.
You’ll know you’ve found it when your finger pads reach something that feels like a walnut. Keep communication open, as your partner should also be able to tell you that they feel increased sensitivity when you touch it.
9. You may hear people talk about “milking” the prostate.
Giving a prostate massage for stimulation is sometimes referred to as “milking,” not because anything comes out but because you’re manipulating it with your hand, similar to how you’d manipulate the udder of a cow during the milking process.
10. It’s often referred to as the male G-spot.
Regardless of the fact that the existence of the female G-spot is still up for debate (researchers believe it’s actually just an extension of the clitoris), it’s still pretty impressive that the prostate has the same connotations as a one-stop-shop button for instantaneous orgasm. Walfish explains that the prostate contains many sensitive nerve endings that can provide a powerful orgasm. Mintz explains that in the book that popularized the G-spot for those with vaginas, the authors compared the clitoris to the penis and the G-spot to the prostate.
11. It’s not as far in as you’d think.
The prostate is about three-quarters of a finger length inside the anus, Walfish explains, and feels similar to a walnut.
12. Communication is key.
“Even if you’ve agreed to try anal sex, don’t just assume it’s going to happen this time,” Walfish says. “Request permission to board!” Active consent is not only sexy but also nonnegotiable.
13. Prep together.
It’s understandable that butt play might get messy, but if you want to cut down on that anxiety, Walfish says to try showering or bathing together with your partner, taking time to wash and lather each other’s genitals and anus. Not only is it super hot, but you can rest easy knowing you’ve both gotten clean in a nonjudgmental fashion.
14. Ease into it.
As with all sex, you don’t want it to feel too clinical. Walfish suggests easing into it, using a finger to gently massage the area at the opening of their anus or letting your tongue slide over the area while giving them oral sex. You can also use your hands to stroke it with your thumb while moving your fingers around the shaft.
15. You can stimulate it indirectly too!
As a good warm-up for direct prostate stimulation (or on its own), Mintz suggests using two fingers to massage their perineum (area between their scrotum and anus) from the outside as they reach climax.
16. Don’t underestimate the importance of lube.
Think about how painful it is to be (sorry) dry-fingered. While your vagina self-lubricates, your anus doesn’t. So lube is extra important with any butt play. Lelo’s personal moisturizer is a water-based lube that looks like a fancy bottle of cologne, so they truly have no excuse to throw it into some drawer to hide it, only to lose it forever. You’ll want to wet both their anus and your fingers.
17. Practice the golden rule of fingering.
Finger unto others as you would have them do unto you. This means cut and file your fingernails (no jagged edges fresh from the clippers!), wash your hands, and don’t jackhammer your fingers in and out—once you’re up there, you’re up there. It’s not about going in and out but more about massaging the gland once you’re in there (more on that later).
18. Relaxation is everything.
After massaging your partner’s perineum, spend several minutes massaging the outside of their anal opening. Mintz says that if you’ve been doing everything correctly, the sphincter should relax and open up. “Don’t insert farther than he is comfortable. If your finger meets resistance, stop there. You can call it a day and try again another time.”
19. Avoid sudden movements.
When you’re finished, pull your fingers out slowly. Sudden movements are not great with butt play, since the area can be sensitive. Nobody likes surprises!
20. Try using vibrators to stimulate their perineum and or prostate.
Look for a vibrator that’s curved to hit the prostate specifically. There’s no pressure to use it inside their butt the first go-around (just like with your sex toys, sometimes using it externally is all you really need), but if you want the most bang for your buck, you may as well invest in something that’s capable of that if you want to explore that down the line. The Lelo Loki features a bulbous tip perfect for prostate play, is rechargeable and waterproof, and has six different settings.
Lelo
Shop Now Loki, $169, lelo.com
For those who want the latest in sex-toy tech, get the Loki Wave. It’s also specially designed for prostate stimulation, and the wand even does the “come hither” motion for you!
Lelo
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21. You can also try stimulating their prostate at the same time as their penis.
No need to sign yourself up for penis and prostate stimulation right from the get-go—you’ll probably both need to concentrate on the task at hand. But once you’ve gotten comfortable with it, you can try adding other elements like oral sex, hand jobs, breast sex, and intercourse.
22. See if they like it better when they’re facing up or when they’re facing down.
Mintz says some people like it better one way or the other. Try it out both ways and compare notes! Is there one position that makes it more or less comfortable? Is there one movement you do that feels best? Communication makes everything better.
This article was originally published in 2008 and has been updated.
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