How Do You Tell If You're In a Situationship?

Situationships, aka ambiguous relationships with no label on them, have been around for a while now, but the term is especially worth revisiting during current pandemic times when *everything* is extra uncertain. The word “situationship” is mostly used to describe friends with benefits, or people who are essentially dating but don’t say they’re dating or refer to the other person as their boyfriend/girlfriend/partner. Situationships are also sometimes thought of as ~emotional booty calls~ because there are likely more feelings involved than just a cut-and-dry friends-with-benefits. If you haven’t defined the relationship yet but are still sleeping with each other/cuddling/hanging out in a non-platonic way, you might be in a situationship.

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Recently it seems like situationships are also on the rise, according to several relationship experts and therapists. “People don’t want to feel alone during this time,” explains Nicole Elam, relationship coach. Elam also notes that the feeling people have right now of needing someone to connect with, quarantine together, and cuddle with, is not exclusive to just situationships — she’s also seen marriages go up during the pandemic. But alas, this is an article on situationships, so we’ll focus on that for now!

Amira Johnson, MSW, and clinician at Berman Psychotherapy, also agrees that during current times when everyone is socially distancing or staying indoors, people are craving connection more than ever. Situationships might also be on the rise because as Johnson says, it’s easier than ever to connect with people on social media or other alone-together ways.

Situationships can allow two people to take it super slow and figure out exactly what they are to each other. Mayla Green, the relationship advisor and co-founder of TheAdultToyShop.com, says that before situationships, it seemed like every relationship had a label on it.

She continues: “That puts undue pressure on the pair because they feel obligated to establish themselves as something. Friends with benefits? Committed & dating? Rebound relationship? There was always a reason for every union. If I could have just been with someone without labeling it, you’d never know how it would have evolved. Maybe friends will suit us, perhaps a romantic relationship. It seems way more causal to just go with the flow!”

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Situationships can also be great when you’re not settled in your life — or your apartment. “If you are spending time in a temporary location like traveling abroad or being temporarily relocated from work, a situationship might be a good thing,” shares Justine Carino, a licensed mental health counselor. “If you know right from the beginning that the relationship will most likely come to an end, you may have less of a need to define it.”

Where they can turn messy is when each party has different expectations for the arrangement. “[Situationships] can become painful if you want something more from the person you’re seeing, and they’re simply not on the same page,” says Jenna Birch, CEO of Plum dating app and author of The Love Gap. “If you want a commitment, having someone slot you low on their list of priorities is not going to feel fun — especially if you know they are dating others. That hurts.”

“[Situationships] become confusing and complicated,” Carino adds. “We are social beings and we want to know how we are perceived by people, what we mean to people and where we stand with people in relationships. If our roles in relationships aren’t clearly defined, it can get sloppy.”

If you aren’t happy in your situationship because you’re very much down to DTR, it’s important that you speak up.

“Be brave and transparent and initiate the dreaded relationship talk about where you currently are and where you would like to be, as far as an exclusive relationship with that person,” says Heidi McBain, a therapist specializing in women’s mental health.

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If you’re honest with them, and they seem to be on the same page, it’s time to up the ante and start treating it like a real relationship. “Start going on legitimate dates, and making real moves toward a relationship,” shares Birch. “Get out of the house. Invite them to a concert or an event. Have them meet your friends. See what actions are reciprocated.”

Don’t be discouraged if you don’t miraculously morph into a lovely dovey mega-couple, warn relationship experts. “Don’t expect to lock it down instantly,” says Birch. “Define the relationship over and over again, with frequent check-ins to get temperature readings about where you guys are at.”

For a variety of reasons, the other person might not be ready to jump into a relationship — with you or anyone else. In that case, the best thing to do is to shut it down and move on.

“If you don’t meet eye to eye on needs and expectations for what it can turn into, you may want to re-consider the significance of this person in your life,” says Carino.

“Break it off if you’re not getting what you want,” says Birch. “Honestly, sometimes people don’t know how much they miss someone until they’re gone.” Sometimes cutting off contact with your partner can give them space to think and reconsider commitment. As the old saying goes, if you want to turn a situationship into a relationship, you must let it fly free. If it’s meant to be, it’ll be.

OK, but what if you’re the scrub who doesn’t want to DTR with the other person!? That’s fair, and I’m sorry for calling you a scrub. Per usual, honesty is the best policy.

“Be open and honest about how you’re feeling and that you’re not ready to be in an exclusive relationship with them at this time,” says McBain.

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As for how to do it exactly, Birch has some advice.

“You can break it off in person, but I think that’s less necessary these days,” she says. “It’s better to carefully craft a perfect text that conveys exactly what you want to say. Keep it short; they’ll follow up if they have questions.” As for exactly what to say, she recommends something along the lines of, “‘Hey. I’ve really enjoyed our time together, but I’m not ready for a relationship and don’t think we’re on the same page there. I wish you all the best!'”

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Sex & Relationships – Cosmopolitan
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