I F*cked My Tinder Date's Girlfriend, and I Don't Regret a Thing

Hot off a breakup that left me in pieces, I was sitting on the train home from my beauty marketing job (pre-pandemic, by the way) when I came across Vinnie* on Tinder. Like most men on the apps, he had short brown hair that was covered by a backwards hat. He’ll do, I thought.

My profile, filled with thirst traps and personality pics, made it very clear that I was not looking for a relationship and was strictly DTF. Besides having just gotten dumped, I had also recently come out as bisexual and was ready to have fun and embrace my sexuality. While my preferences were set to both men and women, I hadn’t been having much luck on the lady side, so I swiped right.

In his bio, he made it clear that he had a girlfriend and they had an open relationship of sorts. We matched instantly, and out of nowhere, it hit me: I was going to be a unicorn and have a threesome with Vinnie and his girlfriend. (At least, that’s what I was going to try to do, anyway.)

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Now, before I continue, let’s address the elephant in the room, or in this case, the mystical animal. I am very well aware that many bisexual femme women get annoyed when people assume that they want to have a threesome solely because they are bisexual. Totally, totally valid and important to keep in mind.

But personally, I am not one of those people.

For me, I wanted to be a unicorn. I had never done anything like that in my life, nor had I ever touched a vagina that wasn’t my own. But now that I was finally out, I wanted to be with a woman, one way or another.

So, immediately after matching, bluntly and without hesitation, I asked Vinnie if he and his girlfriend ever hooked up with people together. The typing bubble bounced and before I knew it, we had picked a time and place to meet each other. Excellent.

Nearly a week later, I sat at a dive bar near their place in downtown Brooklyn. For the first time in my life, I felt like I was about to do something sexual solely because I wanted to. Sad, I know, but until then, my motivation for sleeping with someone was usually because I wanted that person to like me.

A few minutes later, Vinnie walked in with Sherri*, his girlfriend of a few years. He was wearing a stylish outfit, including jeans and a bomber jacket, and she was in skinny jeans, stilettos, and a black lace top. They were just as attractive in person as they had seemed online. We grabbed a booth, some more drinks, and let the night begin.

After a few drinks and an hour or so, it was clear that we all vibed. If anyone had looked at us, I’m sure it was obvious exactly what was going down, with Sherri’s hand on my knee, Vinnie and me playing footsie under the table, and his hand on mine. Honestly, it felt like a normal date, except between three people.

We left the bar a little after 8 p.m. and walked ten minutes before we arrived at their studio apartment.

Hours earlier, I’d imagined what I would do when I got to their apartment. What would I do with my body? Was I supposed to take my shoes off? Should I freshen up in the bathroom? I had no idea what to do or expect because, hi, a Tinder-Unicorn etiquette manual doesn’t exactly exist.

But for some reason, once I actually got there, I was feeling comfortable and giddy. Plus my legs were freshly shaved and I looked like a newly single lady on a fucking mission. Literally. I knew exactly what I was there for and I was eager to make a move.

Soon enough, Vinnie turned on some music and we made our way to the bed. “It’s so comfortable,” I said, lying down and propping myself up with one arm.

I was usually never this confident or sexually forward, but this was something I had waited 20 years to do—have sex with a woman, that is. Having Vinnie there was merely a formality. While it was obvious that he was the one running the show, I was more interested in Sherri. (And not to toot my own horn or anything, but she may have been the hottest person I have ever hooked up with.)

Sherri slipped off her stilettos and laid down next to me, with Vinnie standing at the foot of the bed watching us. She brushed her fingers through my curly hair and told me how pretty I was. I blushed. In one motion, Vinnie got up onto the bed and pulled me in for a kiss. Now it’s a party, I thought.

As we made out, alternating between the three of us, Sherri and I laid next to each other with Vinnie on top. After a few minutes of heavy feeling up and dry humping, Vinnie moved down to take off both of our bottoms. Luckily, I had worn a dress exactly for this moment.

To spare you the exact details of his cunnilingus, the best part really was having it happen while making out with another woman. It’s no exaggeration to say that in that moment, I truly was the main character. After a few minutes of foreplay, it was Vinnie’s turn, and I had watched enough porn to know what it looks like when two people give a guy a blow job together.

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Eventually, it was time for the main event: Sherri and Vinnie pulled out a few vibrators and condoms from the bedside table, put them in front of me and asked me what I wanted. The thrill pulsated everywhere in my body. Because I was actually clueless as to how to do any of the threesome sex positions, I slyly said “you tell me, baby.” (Whether I actually said it that way, I will never know, but I like to imagine it was super sexy.)

Before I knew it, my dress was somewhere on the floor and I was on my back with Sherri between my legs eating me out, while using a vibrator on my clit, as Vinnie thrusted into her. I had never been so turned on in my life.

After I came for the first of many times, Sherri and I swapped positions. As I came face to face with a vagina for the first time in my life, I felt like the gates of heaven were opening up on me. Except instead of God, it was a naked bisexual begging for me to eat her out.

Luckily, I found I knew exactly what to do from years of being the one receiving said pleasure. But surprisingly, it’s not the easiest to get fucked doggy style while eating pussy. She seemed to be having a good time though, so I’d like to think I did a pretty great job.

Over the course of 45 minutes or so, we did a few different positions, some of which definitely came from my Cosmo collection. (Not to pick favorites, but the Double Down really was as good as people say it is.) And we all finished in a sweaty heap on the bed and laid around for a while before I knew it was time to head back home.

I got dressed and kissed both of them on the lips, knowing I would probably never see them again.

Looking back at that experience, now happily engaged to the love of my life, I am grateful for having the balls, for lack of a better term, to embrace my bisexuality in this way. Not everyone has the chutzpah to turn their sexual fantasy into reality, and I will always be so thankful that I did.

Queerness is not one size fits all and it looks different for everyone. For me, a threesome helped me understand that bisexuality doesn’t mean I love one gender more than another or that I am any less queer if I choose to date men.

Because now, I can confidently say that being bisexual truly is a fucking super power. If you want proof, just try getting fucked while going down on a woman. Seriously, I dare you.

*Names have been changed.

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Sex & Relationships – Cosmopolitan
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