My Boyfriend and I Role-Played as Killer Clowns, and It was the Best Sex of My Life

Before I became a writer, I liked to scare people for a living, but not in the pop-out-of a-haunted-house kind of way. For about seven years, I worked as a professional SFX makeup artist and body painter. I did events and student films, and also designed creations for my old Instagram account.

While my friends’ weekends consisted of getting high in the back of vans, I would spend hours turning myself into a creepy-looking fish, a demon, or my personal favorite, a killer clown. I never could have imagined this lil hobby of mine would become one of my biggest turn-ons.

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Now I’m not sure where exactly my infatuation with scary-looking clowns came from. It could be because I was obsessed with dark, goth characters in cartoons growing up. It could also be because my mother is terrified of clowns, and seeing her scream and freak out in response to my makeup was funny as hell.

But for whatever reason, I always felt super sexy painted up as an IRL Pennywise. It was so weird, dark, yet somehow, incredibly erotic all at once.

I remember one Halloween when my partner at the time and I dressed up to get cheap Chipotle. (They were running a $5 burrito special if you wore a costume.) I suggested that we dress up as Suicide Squad-inspired clowns, and he was totally game and super excited for me to finally do a scary body paint on him.

I used only black and red colors all over his face and splattered fake blood wherever I could. He looked like something straight from a nightmare. Then, it was my turn.

We spent two full hours perfecting our looks—yes, just to get Chipotle, what of it?—and then we were off on our adventure. After we stuffed our faces with burritos, he and I went straight home to my bedroom. We were both so tired from the past week that we were okay with falling asleep with our paint on. (It happens.)

We cuddled on my canopy bed and immediately turned on Netflix to end the night. But after a few episodes of Family Guy, I got pretty horny all of a sudden. I looked over my shoulder and I didn’t see my boyfriend, I saw someone straight out of a horror movie—and I liked it. I thought to myself, Why am I into this? You’re literally clowns right now. This can’t be normal. But something came over me.

I stared into his messy, maroon and midnight-blue painted eyes as he started to hike up my torn skirt. His smile was enlarged to the ends of his face with red lipstick, but I could see in the dark that his actual mouth was slightly agape in a horny, fixated way. As he undressed me with his eyes, it was clear he was just as turned on as I was. Thank God I’m not the only one, I thought to myself.

His torso was covered in fake blood and painted tattoos, and within minutes, my hands scratched down the front of his body. It wasn’t long before his chest started looking like a Jackson Pollock painting, and we were just getting started.

As he inserted two fingers inside of me, I ripped off the rest of his button-down shirt and threw it on the other side of the room. He flipped me over with one swift motion, now fingering me even harder—never breaking eye contact. I kissed him as hard as I could, all while I was wiggling out of my top.

When we separated, his mouth was a morphed blob of colors, and for some reason, it made me even hornier. He looked demonic, and it made me feel something I never had before.

With another swift motion, he flipped me over and inserted himself in me. He didn’t give me any time to adjust, and just went at me like he his life depended solely on giving me an orgasm. He slammed into me over and over again, spanking me and getting fake blood all over my bare ass.

From all the excitement and the thought of him being a mad clown, I came in minutes, and he wasn’t far behind. But I wanted more.

Shortly after, while we were heaving with fake blood and body paint sweating off of us, I had an idea. I turned to face him and whispered in his ear to grab a blanket as I got my clothes back on. With a puzzled look on his face, he immediately got his pants back on and grabbed the blanket my Grandpa knitted me. (I’m so sorry, Grandpa.)

I took his hand and we ran off into the night. I felt the cold concrete under my bare toes and the wind whistling through the air as I guided him through my neighborhood.

We eventually came up to what I was looking for: the tennis court in the center of my gated community. This place had ivy plants surrounding the entire perimeter from top to bottom. It was a secluded, but also very public area, and I wanted to go down on my clown boyfriend there more than anything.

Making sure no nosy neighbors could hear us, we snuck in quietly. Once we got in, I threw the blanket on the ground and pushed him right on top. I pulled down his pants and immediately went down on him.

I swirled my tongue around his shaft, making him bite his lip so hard that a little of blood came out. Wow, fake and real blood, could this get any messier? I thought to myself while I was bobbing my head up and down.

I could literally taste our body paint and lipstick concoction while I was going up and down on his penis, and yeah, it was hot. Within minutes, I felt him unleash his load in my mouth and I have never felt more victorious in my life.

We laid down on the cold, wet ground of the tennis court, staring up at the stars. I just hooked up with a clown, and I wanted to do it again, and again, and again, and again. I quite literally could not get enough. The best part is, my partner felt the same way. He loved how out of the ordinary it was.

Anyway, even after Halloween, whenever I needed to practice a new look, I’d put makeup on both of us. And the whole thing would happen again. It was kinky, sexy, and wrong-but-also right in the best of ways.

He and I have since broken up, but ever since that experience, I have role-played as a clown with all of my partners. I’ve looked for pretty much any excuse to paint my hookups anytime of the year—and, yes, they have found they seriously love it too. Even when the body paint literally destroys our sheets.

But it’s also just reminded me that you never know what’s going to turn you on unless you try it yourself. Because I mean, really, who would’ve guessed that out of all the kinks and fetishes in the world, the hottest sex of my life would happen while role-playing as a fucking clown?

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Sex & Relationships – Cosmopolitan
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