Love , Sex and Relationships
What It’s Really Like to Have a Threesome
Oct
While having a threesome right now is def not be the best idea given the pandemic, the idea of ye olde ménage à trois remains one of the most popular evergreen sexual bucket list activities in healthier times. And why shouldn’t they be? Threesomes aren’t just the male-oriented fantasy that pop culture makes them out to be sometimes. There are plenty of reasons why a woman would also want and seek out a threesome — and you should be encouraged to explore that territory if its something that turns you on. Whether you’re in a committed couple finding a third, looking to join an existing couple in a threesome as their unicorn or invite a third into your relationship, or just trying it out amongst friends, it’s easier to have a threesome than you’d think.
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Sure, there can be planning involved, but if you’re going to go by movie standards, it’s rarely the wordless kissing of a tangle of strangers and then waking up the next morning as if nothing happened. You’ve gotta talk it out and make sure everyone’s on board, and sleeping on the decision is never a bad idea.
Before we get into the stories of three anonymous women who have dabbled in threesome arts, here’s a quick list of their tips for having a successful threesome—from experience!
10 Tips for Having a Threesome, From Our Anonymous Experienced Threesomers
- Remember everyone is feeling the same stress over making sure this goes well! So don’t stress. The more you can relax into it, the better it will be.
- Make sure the bed is actually big enough for all three people if you’re all going to fall asleep together afterwards.
- Be open to trying new things.
- Have extra condoms on hand, even if it’s just one guy and two women. This is handy for switching condoms if you’ve got two women and also for covering up and easy sex toy cleanup.
- Put a towel down, just in case.
- Offer your threesome buddies a drink and a snack because it’s polite.
- Music helps to set the mood.
- Don’t spend too much time spiraling in advance over who is doing what and what goes where. It’s not a group project and you are not getting graded on participation.
- That said, if there are hot ideas you’ve been too timid to try before or positions you’ve been saving for a rainy day, throw them in now! You’re already doing something outside your comfort zone, so give yourself the freedom to lean all the way out.
- Do not make your poor unicorn your couples therapist.
How old are you?
Woman A: 24.
Woman B: 28.
Woman C: 26.
How old were you when you first had a threesome?
Woman A: Just turned 21.
Woman B: 24.
Woman C: 26.
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Were you in a relationship at the time? Who was in the threesome?
Woman A: I had actually just lost my virginity to the guy that week, but we had been talking for a while. The both of us went out with my friend and one thing led to another. I figured ‘go big or go home.’
Woman B: I was single, and I volunteered to be the unicorn with a M/F couple I met on Tinder.
Woman C: Nope. It was me and two random guys I met at bar.
Who brought up the idea of the threesome?
Woman A: Both my friend and I were always open to the idea of threesomes, but it definitely wasn’t planned. She just didn’t go home at the end of the night, and suddenly we were all in bed.
Woman B: The boyfriend of the couple was the one who ran the account, although both of their pictures were on the profile. This proved contentious when I ended up enjoying her company a lot more than his—he wouldn’t let me text her directly, which I maintain was because he was afraid we’d run off together!
Woman C: One of the two guys, who I’d approached at a bar in the wee morning hours of New Year’s 2020.
What was the process of choosing the person(s) involved?
Woman A: I really liked the dude I was seeing, but I didn’t expect it to go anywhere, so there wasn’t a real pressure if it went badly. My friend, I knew it would never be weird, so when the opportunity came up, I thought why not. The handful of beers definitely helped as well.
Woman B: As a bisexual person on Tinder, I get a lot of “unicorn” offers, most of which I turn down. That said, when the guy told me he was reading transcripts from the Salem Witch Trials and his girlfriend was an aerialist like me, I was sold on the idea of at least going on a date with the pair of them—I figured I was in for a weird, fun evening and something that would eventually be a story, if nothing else.
Woman C: It was quite serendipitous, actually. I approached one of the guys and started flirting with him, thinking, Hey, it’s New Year’s, maybe we’ll make out or something. But then he introduced me to his friend and asked if I wanted to have a threesome. I thought I was being punk’d and asked them a bunch of times whether they were serious, and they insisted they were. I told them to buy condoms to prove it, and they went to the bodega around the corner and each bought a pack, which I thought was very funny.
What was the hardest part about planning it?
Woman A: I hate to be that person but it just happened!
Woman B: Scheduling a date with one person is a nightmare; scheduling with two is exponentially worse! We didn’t go home together after the first date (it was a Monday night and who wants that), meaning it took us two weeks of frustrating texting to lock down a second, by which time we all wanted to kill each other, especially because we kept teasing and competing with each other.
Woman C: Honestly, it was so easy. There was no planning. It was a gift dropped into my lap to kick off 2020, and I am so grateful.
Was there anything you were particularly nervous about before the threesome happened?
Woman A: I think I’m actually way more nervous about any potential future threesomes, than I was that night.
Woman B: I found that having a threesome amplified the “Am I going to get murdered?” factor that comes with any app date. Something about a couple talking about how they have never done this before but are so excited to play with you (yikes) really ups the potential cartoon villain ante.
Woman C: They were two random guys I met and who proposed a threesome. I was like, What’s their deal? Are they gonna murder me? Why me? But to be fair, I did look amazing that night, and I introduced my roommate who was out with me to them first to get a gut check on the situation.
Where did you decide to do it?
Woman A: His place.
Woman B: Their place.
Woman C: My apartment.
How did it start?
Woman A: We both were a little tipsy and he kept trying to show us this movie. We were decidedly not into that, so we all went to bed. I laid in the middle, fully okay to either fall asleep or do something. I think she started rubbing his head and that got him into it. He never actually had penetrative sex with her, and it was mostly overwhelming for me as the center of it all, TBH.
Woman B: The Tinder girlfriend opened the door to me in a trench coat that opened to reveal a full-body fishnet stocking, which set the bar for hotness incredibly high.
Woman C: I had just had a New Year’s party, so I offered them some snacks and a drink but they declined. I went to the bathroom to freshen up (aka pee and give myself a pep talk in the mirror), and when I came back, one of the guys had turned on some weird EDM music and they were in their boxers on my bed.
And what, uh, happened after that?
Woman A: I think he went down on me while I made out with her. And at some point she and I took turns going down on each other. I still had some booze coursing through my system and I bit her nipple a bit too hard.
Woman B: Up in their apartment, they had set the lights to red neon (which didn’t help the “Am I going to get murdered?” vibe, but I was into it at that point). Hilariously, they had a floor mattress set up, so we basically wrecked the living room. We took turns going down on her and getting her off, then they took turns on me, then she went down on him while I rode his face and then got on top.
Woman C: There was making out with both of them, some oral here and there, and both of them fucked me. I think one of them touched my butthole, which was new to me, but I was more into it than I expected.
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Did the threesome go the way you’d imagined?
Woman A: Not really. I think it was more overwhelming than I thought, but it could’ve just been that it wasn’t as cohesive as some threesomes are. He was very much more into me, since we were seeing each other. It felt a little disjointed.
Woman B: It was balanced and fun, a lot more fun than I expected. We had gotten so intense about each other so fast that actually sleeping together defused a huge amount of the tension.
Woman C: It was way less capital-S sexy than I imagined. Like, two guys, one girl, isn’t that supposed to be a gal’s dream? But honestly, it was just so many dicks. Too many dicks.
Were there any unexpected problems?
Woman A: Just trying to figure out how not to make it feel like a group chat where someone’s just getting ignored the whole time.
Woman B: Not with the sex. The texting and scheduling was the absolute nightmare, and having to go through him while not being able to talk to her set up an incredibly stressful dynamic.
Woman C: Like I said, too many dicks. And penetration doesn’t do much for me—I really only orgasm from oral—so eventually, things were getting rubbed a little raw and I never even orgasmed. When we turned on the lights at the end, I saw I’d bled a little and I was embarrassed, so my drunk ass decided the best way to handle it was to gasp and say, “Did you bleed on my bed?” As if it weren’t the girl who just got pounded by two separate dicks.
What was the most exciting part of the threesome?
Woman A: Neither of us (me and my friend) had been with a girl before, so it was definitely exciting and new. Plus, I literally had just lost my virginity days prior.
Woman B: She had never been with a woman before and was visibly thrilled and astonished every time she and I did anything together. I will never forget her gasping into my mouth the first time I kissed her.
Woman C: At one point, they Eiffel Towered me, and I remember being like, Yes! Now I can say I have been Eiffel Towered!
The least exciting?
Woman A: Figuring out how to do it all. I remember just feeling like it was a lot of hands on me at once.
Woman B: I opted out of blowing him, but being able to opt out of my least favorite sex act was its own kind of exciting. Delegation is a joy.
Woman C: At one point, one of the guys went to “take a break” and went into the living room and passed out on my couch. So it all ended kind of anticlimactically. I tried to get them to take a pic together in front of the photo backdrop I’d set up for the party, but they said nah and headed home.
What did you find to be the best positions for incorporating all three people into sex?
Woman A: We didn’t. But I think that’s okay, I think the nature of threeways is that it’s not going to be everyone all he time. There’s gotta be an element of selflessness (that really all sex should have.)
Woman B: People freak out about making sure everyone is having sex the whole time, which is silly! Don’t worry about getting everyone onto the same body at once. It’s fun to be able to watch each other, to encourage each other, to touch each other. Get creative about what “participation” means.
Woman C: At one point, I was giving one guy head while the other went down on me. That was fun!
Did you and your partner(s) talk about the threesome afterward at all?
Woman A: We didn’t the next morning, but since then, yes! It’s mostly jokes, and a little bit of like, “wasn’t that weird?” But it never became a “thing.”
Woman B: We talked for ages, but most of it was life, the universe, and everything postcoital rambling. We hadn’t talked about anything but sex in the run-up, and after actually having the sex had calmed all of us down, we were interested in each other as people again.
Woman C: I gave one of them my number, for god knows what reason, and then an hour after leaving, they called me to say their friend they were staying with fell asleep and they asked if they could sleep at my place instead. I said no, because that would be weird. Later, out of curiosity, I looked up the phone number to see who these guys actually were, and I found out THEY WERE COUSINS. (No, they did not interact sexually with one another, not even a kiss. I wonder if they even made eye contact while turning me into a letter H, but I will never know.)
Did having a threesome change your relationship with the people at all?
Woman A: My friend and I stayed best friends after so that was no biggie. And I kept talking to the dude and boning him long after as well. I think it was good that it started before there was a lot of feelings involved for us.
Woman B: I’m pretty sure by gentleman-and-woman’s agreement, we blocked each other’s numbers.
Woman C: Never saw them again!
Have you had more threesomes since then?
Woman A: Not yet, and I’m in a relationship now, but I’m still for sure down for one. I’m just not sure how it’ll happen again, since I didn’t have to really try to make it happen last time.
Woman B: Yes, and my next threesome could not have been more different: We were all longtime friends, neither of them were cis or straight, I was not worried about getting murdered by strangers. Altogether, it was much calmer!
Woman C: Nope. In the future, I would def prefer to do a MFF threesome because it really was just too many dicks. And I say this as a person who has never hooked up with a girl! It just seems easier and more fun and less dicks.
What do you think is the biggest misconception about threesomes, at least among women?
Woman A: That it’s gonna completely change the way you feel about either person. At least for me, everything felt the same the next day. Again, I think even part of me still has that fear that if I have another threesome with my new, current boyfriend, I’ll look at him differently after — but I think thats mostly just anxiety brain.
Woman B: Sex with another woman that you have on purpose for pleasure is not straight, even if your boyfriend is there. If I may rebut the one and only Andy Samberg: “It is, in fact, gay if it’s in a three-way.”
Woman C: That a threesome with two men is the dream. Honestly, too many dicks for my taste!
What advice would you give to Cosmo readers who are considering having a threesome?
Woman A: Just don’t think about it too much or be too hard on yourself if it ends up being a little awkward. Who cares? Just have fun, and go with what feels natural, don’t think about what move should happen next, or who should get your attention next.
Woman B: If you’re worried about “where to put it,” relax! If you have hit Threesome Tier in your sex life, you probably have a rough idea of how to do it and what you like—and asking two people gets even higher returns than asking one. The sex itself is not going to be weird unless you want it to be weird.
Woman C: Just have fun with it! Don’t expect the best sex of your life. But expect some good stories.
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