Your Everything-to-Know Guide on Blowjobs

Hello, and welcome to your official guide on how to give a blowjob. Here, we discuss all things penises, tongue movements, and everything in between. (You know, the shit that would’ve been helpful to learn in sex ed.)

Maybe you’re looking for more techniques. Maybe you want a way to keep your mouth wet. Perhaps you want to know if there’s a better, comfier position to give head in or if this is a game time to bring a vibrator into the mix. Whatever’s on your mind, we gotchu.

But before we get into it, I want to make one thing crystal, crystal clear: Do not give a blowjob to anyone until you are fully comfortable doing so. Ask yourself: “Do I really want to give this person head?” And if you don’t answer with an astounding “fuck yes” then consider it a fuck no. (That goes for whether it’s your first time with a new partner or first time period.)

Again, I don’t care how much pressure you feel from your friends, the person with the penis, or societal standards, there is absolutely no need to rush a blowjob until you’re 100 percent ready.

Another thing to be mindful of: Only engage in relationships or situationships with people in which you feel your pleasure is equally reciprocated. And by that, I mean I am here for equal opportunity households: If you take out the trash, they do the dishes. If you cook, they clean. If you give them head, they give you head. See where I’m going with this?

So now that we’re on the same page, and you’ve decided “okay, okay, enough, I’m ready to dive head first into this blowjob thing” (don’t let that go over your head), here are all the tricks and tips to make your blowjob game a lil bit better, according to experts. Enjoy!

1. There is no wrong way to give a blowjob.

You can start by getting that out of your head. Because, hi, everyone has different tastes, preferences, likes, and wants, which means it’s going to vary for every person you’re with. “Different guys prefer different techniques, and there’s no way to know about their favorite unless you ask or listen to their reaction,” says clinical sexologist Rachel Sommer, PhD, co-founder of My Sex Toy Guide. The only way you could be doing it “wrong” is if you are doing the exact opposite of what they told you.

2.That said, you should not be literally “blowing” anything.

I know the name is misleading, but we blow bubbles—not penises. Please, do not try to blow on your partner’s peen because that’s low-key what not to do. “It’s more of a sucking and licking and zero blowing,” confirms Sommer. “ I even tried blowing my fiancé once just to make sure, and he didn’t like it a bit.”

3. Don’t just stroke your partner’s penis, stroke his ego.

Trust, the mental and emotional build-up to an orgasm is almost as hot as the actual thing. And while that’s normally more of a thing that happens for women, it’s important for men to get some extra attention too.

This means that, yes, if you are looking at this blowjob as if it’s a chore, your partner will know you’re not into it. So, instead, “show your enthusiasm!” says clinical sexologist Valon Alford, owner of Vitality Wellness Solutions. “Use this time to focus on catering to your partner. Your endgame is for your partner to feel like their pleasure is the most important thing in the world,” she says.

4. Appeal to alllllll of his senses.

Alford confirms: “Appealing to the five senses (see, taste, touch, feel, hear) is a great way to turn on your partner and set the mood.” She suggests something as little as burning a nice aromatherapy candle or wearing your partner’s favorite perfume of yours. It’s a great way to connect. Plus, every dude is going to love it if you’re moaning while going down on him. Seriously, try it.

5. Don’t limit the blowjob to the penis only.

There are tonnnns of pleasure spots on the male body that you can stimulate. And I highly, highly recommend you get familiar with the perineum, the area between your partner’s scrotum and anus.

“It is highly sensitive because it is home to a lot of nerve endings. Specifically, the pudendal nerve controls muscles in the external anal sphincter and carries sensation to the anus and penis. Giving this area a little attention can intensify pleasure,” says Alford. She recommends using your tongue or index and middle fingers to apply pressure there.

6. Dry mouth is a thing and it’s fine to admit it and work around it.

Whether you have dry mouth from nerves, allergy or prescription meds, or even just drinking alcohol prior (which yes, can dehydrate your mouth, who knew?), dry mouth is supes common and you can find a way to deal with it! A little prep never hurt anyone — keep some chewing gum or sour candies by your bedside to help nudge your salivary glands into production, as ob-gyn Wendy Askew, MD, has previously told Cosmopolitan.

7. You can also prep, like, way beforehand too.

If you lurve giving head but your dry mouth is cramping your style, invest in some Xylitol-based mouthwashes specifically designed for dry mouth, like Biotene or Smart Mouth Mouthwash. Xylitol mouthwashes (remember, stay away from alcohol-based as it can cause dryness) actually helps stimulate saliva production and retain better moisture in the mouth, according to Dr. Askew.

8. You straight-up don’t have to give blow jobs if you don’t like it.

Like, umbrella statement, if you’ve tried it and you hate it and it makes you gag or it doesn’t make you gag and you just hate it, you really don’t have to do it! There are plenty of dudes out there who will be fine and understanding if you’re like, “Sorry, I don’t do that,” and if they try to persuade you or guilt you, ew, red flag, dump ’em.

9. The anecdotal “hack” that going deeper produces more spit might work for some, but you’re literally tricking your brain into going into PANIC MODE in order to do it, so don’t feel any pressure.

We all have that one girlfriend who’s like, “If you just keep going deeper and deeper, you’ll gag and it’ll produce more spit.” Which, okay, but if gagging sucks and makes you feel like you’re going to die, the ends don’t always justify the means, yanomean? According to Jarrett Manning, DDS, a dentist in Atlanta, Georgia, “The body’s response to deep-throating is similar to that of gagging, which is a defense mechanism preventing swallowing or choking.”

Basically, “when these areas in the back of your throat get triggered in such a way, the stimulation goes from your nerves to your brain’s medulla oblongata, which happens to be located near the other areas of the brain that cause you to get teary eyes, and produce excess saliva,” Aka there’s kind of a medical reason it might work, but you’re legit like, hitting the “PANIC” button in your brain to get there. Please don’t ever force yourself to gag to the point where you’re uncomfy in the hopes that if you keep going, you’ll hit some secret magic saliva fountain.

10. Not all dudes are into it.

There are some guys out there who are like, “I don’t really like getting head,” and that’s real too! Just like how some women find that getting head puts too much pressure on them to orgasm to the point where they can’t enjoy it, that stage fright is real for dudes too! Don’t feel offended or take it personally if your boyf just ain’t about it.

11. Not all dudes can orgasm from it.

Lots of guys find that blow jobs just don’t do it for them. While media might make it seem like blow jobs are the holy grail and The Ultimate Thing that all men want 24/7, it’s sometimes just not enough for some guys to go over the peak. One guy who had an adult circumcision and has had sex both cut and uncut, previously told Cosmopolitan that while he could orgasm from oral pre-surgery, afterward, it’s totally impossible.

Of course, that’s a special scenario (adult circumcision is probs more rare than finding someone who just can’t orgasm from head), but it’s just an example. If you’re going at it for ages and nothing’s happening, and your dude is like, “Yeah, I might not finish from this since I rarely can,” do not take it personally. It’s admirable to want to be a sex magician who can do the undoable, but if your jaw deadass hurts, like, it’s not life or death if you stop.

12. You can and should straight-up be like, “Don’t do that,” if a guy tries to do that thing where he shoves your head down onto his dick midway through oral and you hate it.

If you are not into that and haven’t previously said, “Please use my head like a surprise fleshlight while I’m in the middle of giving you head,” that’s rude AF and you definitely have a right to call them out on it if not just walk away like, “WTF is your problem?” It’s like people who shove their fingers in your mouth when you’re yawning or something. Who raised you?

13. You don’t have to do the kneeling-in-front-of-him-while-facing-him kinda position if you don’t want to.

There’s a time and place for kneeling blow jobs and there’s also a time and place to be like, “Fuck it, I want to be comfortable and keep movement from where I am right now to a minimum.” If you try changing up your position so you sit next to him, not in front of him, you can change the sensation for him, show off your ass, and you might find that it just makes things comfier for you on the whole.

14. Go ahead and make it about you too!

Bringing a vibe into things can make giving head even hotter. You can use one hand to hold it while you’re kneeling and sort of sit on it for maximum control or position yourself to show yourself off using it to your dude so it’s like a double whammy of oral and a show.

15. It’s pretty impossible to screw this up.

The only bad thing you can do, pre-BJ, is underestimate your own abilities. If you’ve got a mouth and your partner’s got a dick, you have all the tools you need to give a perfect blow job. That said, if you’re nervous about it, talk to your partner. If that’s off the table, talk with some friends. No problem with being nervous—probably everyone who’s ever performed oral sex has been before. Talking about it is the best cure for BJ jitters.

16. And if you do (which you won’t), you can always just…do it again.

The best thing about giving a partner the first blow job is that you can then ask for, essentially, an oral sex performance review. All sex—penetrative, oral, etc.—tends to get better with a partner as you get to know each other better and communicate more. As you’re comfortable, ask your partner what he likes in a blow job or how you can craft a BJ perfect for him. And if he’s polite, he’ll ask the same of you. A true win-win.

17. Your partner might be quiet but still be absolutely lovin’ it.

This is a problem among people with penises, many of whom seem to have been told, at some point, to literally never exude enthusiasm in sex. If your partner’s silence is weirding you out, tell them so! Positive feedback is helpful for BJ novices and experts alike.

18. You can def do this in the shower.

Most shower sex is difficult to impossible, the literal black diamond of sex locations. But oral sex is both doable and enjoyable in the shower. The water won’t work as lube, but have your partner stand out of the jet stream (so you can be in it) and go to town, after you’ve watched them wash their bod.

19. Balls exist and maybe you should incorporate them into this whole thing.

But don’t do it without first asking if your partner is into that. And then follow that question up with, “And how do you like your balls played with?” Because what people who don’t have them don’t know is that apparently, they’re very sensitive! So don’t go yanking away without warning.

20. Also, this is a good time to address the butt.

Once again: Ask your partner if they like butt play before you venture into unknown territory. And then if they give you the all clear, ask again what kind of play they like. If they don’t know, check out some of these beginner anal play tips and work from there. This also tends to speed up blow jobs, which, you know, might be a good thing.

21. Not to be a bummer, but you can get STIs from this.

Which is why wearing condoms during oral is a good idea, especially for new, non-monogamous partners. There are plenty of flavored varieties if the taste of latex isn’t really your thing.

22. Take a play from Samantha Jones’s book and have them stand in front of a mirror.

There’s something mysteriously ~sexy~ about watching yourself get it on (why do you think sex tapes are a thing??). Use that over-the-door mirror you’ve had since freshman year of college for dirty purposes and position yourselves in front of it while you go down on your partner.

23. You can speed up the process by adding foreplay to the foreplay.

Blow his freakin’ mind and detract minutes from the amount of time his D is in your M by teasing your partner pre–blow job. Getting him all worked up by kissing his hips and thighs feels great for him, and if you know your partner takes a bit longer to finish from oral, this might speed things up a bit. Not that there’s anything wrong with taking your time! But sometimes you need to put oral sex on the express track. And there’s nothing wrong with that either.

24. He’s paying less attention to what your face looks like than you think he is.

Have you ever seen anyone eat a really big popsicle? Like, put their whole dang mouth around it (which, ouch, brain freeze)? It’s not a pretty sight! Very few people in this world look their absolute best with their mouth stretched to its full capacity. Don’t put more pressure on this already precarious situation by thinking you have to look like a beautiful goddess while hoisting a penis into your mouth. What matters most to everyone involved is how this thing feels.

25. And speaking of that: It probably feels nothing at all like you think it does.

Unless you also have a penis and have received a blow job before, the best you can do is merely speculate what getting one feels like. All you need to know is that most people describe them favorably, or as one guy eloquently puts it: “If sex is putting your penis in a wet, unplugged vacuum…a blow job is plugging that vacuum in.” So put all those worries that it doesn’t feel good out of your mind. Assuredly, they’re into it.

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26. You can literally ask your partner what they want.

Before your mouth is, ahem, occupied, use it to ask questions: Do they want you to get your hands involved? Do they want to lie down or stand up? Do they prefer lots of noises or nah? Asking questions and getting answers is not only a fun way to get ~in the mood~, but it can also help put any concerns or anxieties you have at ease.

27. A penis doesn’t have eyeballs and can’t tell the difference between the back of a throat and the roof of a mouth.

All those slimy surfaces on the inside of your mouth basically just all feel the same. Except your teeth, obviously. I don’t have a penis, so I don’t personally get the appeal of deep-throating, but (gently) ramming the tip of his dick into the roof of your mouth feels like the same thing and it doesn’t make you gag.

28. Anyone who DEMANDS a blow job is almost certainly not worth a moment of your time.

Yeah, this should go without saying, but I’m gonna say it anyway: No one should ever demand or force any sexual act from you, and this goes for blow jobs too. Some people have this (wrong, completely bogus) idea in their head that they deserve oral sex. LOL, no. If anyone ever says they require a blow job, feel free to say you require hooking up with people who aren’t dickheads.

29. It isn’t a fancy massage at a spa and therefore doesn’t have to be all about them.

You ever heard of something called sensate focus? It’s a sex therapy technique in which you focus on touch and the physical pleasure it brings you, and you can totally use it to ease blow job anxiety or just ~mix it up~ a little. Basically, instead of doing what you think you’re supposed to do to make them feel great, employ blow job techniques that feel fun and exciting to you. Oral sex doesn’t have to be as one-sided as its reputation says it should be.

30. A penis isn’t a vagina or a Slip’N Slide and doesn’t just get wet on its own.

I mean, there’s pre-ejaculate, but that’s like a light rain shower when a proper BJ usually requires a torrential downpour. Either get some lube that doesn’t taste like a takeout bag or drink some water and be prepared to use all the spit you can muster. It’s not gross. This is someone you make out with (probably).

31. You do not have to bow down before his erect penis like it’s royalty.

In movies and TV shows and whatever else, the only BJ position ever depicted is a woman on her knees, bobbing her head back and forth while a man stands up like a statuesque Greek god. This is so rare IRL! You don’t have to invest in knee pads, like Stephanie from seventh grade said you would! Stephanie lied to you. Just get on the bed and do it lying down. It’s COMFIER.

32. You don’t have to swallow and then giggle and say, “OMG, it’s so fun to swallow your hot, steamy cum. I really love it a lot!”

Also, you just don’t have to swallow at all. The person whose dick you’re sucking is not going to scream and holler at you if you demurely dispose of his cum into a napkin or cup or something. They might get a little upset if you spit it directly onto their face, but that’s really something the two of you should discuss.

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33. Your hands can pinch-hit when your mouth needs some time on the bench.

The average penis is 5.17 inches (when hard). I haven’t measured the inside of my mouth, but I am pretty damn sure there aren’t 5.17 inches of space between my lips and the back of my throat. And no way do I recommend going for broke and shoving a penis down your esophagus. Let your hands help. Put the tip in your mouth and your hands around the base, and voilà. This is within the acceptable rules of play.

34. You’re not going to accidentally bite down on the penis with your teeth and sever it and leave your partner sterile forever.

There is an inordinate number of horror stories about women who accidentally use their teeth during a BJ and, like, skin the guy’s dick with their razor molars or something. Teeth should not be the Big Concern. I feel like they kind of just disappear when this whole act starts, IDK.

35. Sometimes a penis doesn’t smell good and that’s because some men are disgusting.

I don’t think anyone expects a hard penis to smell like Chanel perfume or a strawberry Lip Smacker or whatever (although, OMG, they should), but some guys are less clean than others. Also. People sweat more in the summertime. Consider this. The crotch area is not free of sweat glands. Personally, I don’t think it’s rude to kindly suggest a sexy shower together beforehand.

36. Penises that look small and non-menacing sometimes feel like novelty-size pool noodles when they are inside your mouth.

Oh, it looked like a pinkie finger from afar, but now that it’s in your mouth, it’s like one of those little toys that grows when you put it in water. What’s happening in there? Who knows? Maybe we’re all overestimating the size of our mouth holes.

37. You can use your tongue to trick him into thinking he’s all the way in your mouth.

Like ~magic~, if magic were perverted. You don’t have to just tuck your tongue away and hide it while this event is taking place. You can use it (like the roof of your mouth thing) to trick your partner into thinking they’re basically pumping away into your stomach. Just either tuck their penis underneath your tongue or use your tongue to block the back of your throat (this also protects your delicate gag reflexes just in case).

38. A blow job isn’t like a magic button that makes someone come right now immediately.

Although people do seem to love them, it’s not something that begins and ends in a matter of seconds (usually). These things can be a lot of work, especially if you’re down there for, like, 15 minutes. You can quit literally whenever you want though—never feel like you’re dropping out of a race early.

39. A BJ can be foreplay and doesn’t have to be the Big Main Event of the evening.

Yeah, not all BJs have to end in a spout of geyser-esque ejaculate shooting forth into the air. You can do this for just, like, a little bit until they get all riled up, then move on to other sex things.

40. This is one thing that porn can actually teach you a lot about, like the graphic sex ed you never had in school.

Sex ed should definitely be better in this country, but I really doubt we’ll ever have gym coaches teaching good blow job decorum in front of a bunch of confused teenagers. And that’s probably for the best? Anyway. People don’t fuck IRL like they do in porn, but sometimes those close-up shots of someone ferociously sucking a D can serve as good little tutorials on how to move your head. Just don’t attempt deep-throating if you’re not very experienced.

41. Literally no one can deep-throat without gagging.

I vaguely remember some girl in, like, ninth grade telling me that all grown women literally swallow lidocaine or the stuff in those Orajel swabs before giving a blow job so they don’t gag on a dick. Don’t do this! Don’t drink lidocaine! No! The solution here is to just not deep-throat a penis. Gag reflexes exist for a reason. And you definitely don’t want to throw up on someone you ostensibly like.

42. You do not have to give a BJ just to get a BJ of your own.

If someone refuses to go down on you because you don’t like giving BJs or has a disgusting smelly penis that you don’t want in your mouth or for literally any other reason, they suck (except lol, they don’t suck, hahaha get it?).

Okay, maybe you like it, but IMO, it is terrible and dumb. The whole point of oral sex is that you can just lie there and do nothing while someone else gives you extreme pleasure. 69ing is like if you had to file your taxes at the same time as getting a professional massage. Doesn’t that sound like a nightmare to you? Because it is. It would be a nightmare.

44. It doesn’t make you a slut to enjoy giving BJs and it doesn’t make you a prude to hate giving BJs.

This one sex act is way overblown (LOL, sorry, I’m sorry), but really, it’s just one thing on an endless menu of sex things you can do to a person. No one decent will cut things off with you if you don’t like giving BJs, and I swear, if anyone ever slut-shames you for liking BJs, direct them to me immediately because there’s a conversation we need to have. You like what you like and hate what you hate, and it’s all fine and good.

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Sex & Relationships – Cosmopolitan
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